either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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