Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
