Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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