He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
