I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
