I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
