Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
