I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
