I hate all girls vehemently.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
