I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize