Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
my liver is dry heaving
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
