I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
