my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish I only lived at night.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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