doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
