thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
