hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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