Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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