3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am puke
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
