The maid of honor just puked.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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