Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm like, not good at living.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize