I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize