it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
