Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
