batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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