Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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