i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
