I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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