Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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