I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize