My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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