So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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