I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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