So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize