2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize