so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
