Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
wat bout pragnant strippers??
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize