Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
