mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I faked an abortion last night.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize