I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
foreskin is a definite game changer
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
