zippers are such a cool invention
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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