I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
