Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
