My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I want to fling myself into the sun
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
