I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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