I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My ass is underappreciated
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
