She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
