wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
