drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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