i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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