He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Can you bring me the toilet please
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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